Re: Your suicide last night - I just heard a moment ago

I came home from work just now
and Daddy told me
something no daddy should ever tell me, least of all mine

---

Never known
never had value
for one beseeching to leave
until now
still that value held

that happy voice
those glimmering white teeth bared in perpetual smile
what darkness could unfold
from the bearer of such intense light
unspeakable
incomprehensible

Now that you're gone
friend from a whole world away but neighbour to my own
how i wish i said to you
that little comment
that i thought may light your face

just 2 days ago
just 2 days ago we spoke
as you passed through my store
as you surprised and delighted me with your greeting when i didn't see you walk up
can hardly believe now you're dead - are you really? - are you really gone??
of all the people...
and now i know
why i felt dread
that i should have said
that little bit on my mind
I flip-flopped and debated whether to stop what I was doing and say it
i thought about saying it a lot more than I tend to think about saying things to ppl
and now i know

What if...
What if I followed you to the meat dept and reminded you of the smiles you gave me all those years ago in your lectures... instead of saying to myself, "He'll be back again and that time I'll say it and make him laugh"

I fucked up. I failed myself. My one chance that I perpetually tout has been wasted. I fuckin lost a moment now that I desperately and... terminally want back. Can't we just go back so i can say that one thing to you? You would have laughed. You would have smiled. You would have taken some pleasure in the impact you had on me that you never really knew about. And I'm sure when all is said and done, it would have changed nothing, but still...

fuck man...

The world lost when you left. If only there was some way to keep the light shining, but "all good things" I must admit and concede and simultaneously fight and reel against.

We are but dust, and somehow you found the duster. Even more painfully than the loss of you is the raising of the question we often take for granted or at least like to ignore for the granted aspect of it, is life worth living?

What if you were right?

What if all the multitude of the protesting voices couldn't drown out the truth of the answer you found. What if death is just "the way to go" once we fully think it through?...