April 06, 2008

A wish for you

May your realistion of happiness be as a skipping record.



a quickening that is translated

According to Agnes de Mille: "I was bewildered and worried that my entire scale of values was untrustworthy. ... I confessed that I had a burning desire to be excellent, but no faith that I could be. Martha said to me, very quietly,"

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others"


Re: Your suicide last night - I just heard a moment ago

I came home from work just now
and Daddy told me
something no daddy should ever tell me, least of all mine

Never known
never had value
for one beseeching to leave
until now
still that value held

that happy voice
those glimmering white teeth bared in perpetual smile
what darkness could unfold
from the bearer of such intense light

Now that you're gone
friend from a whole world away but neighbour to my own
how i wish i said to you
that little comment
that i thought may light your face

just 2 days ago
just 2 days ago we spoke
as you passed through my store
as you surprised and delighted me with your greeting when i didn't see you walk up
can hardly believe now you're dead - are you really? - are you really gone??
of all the people...
and now i know
why i felt dread
that i should have said
that little bit on my mind
I flip-flopped and debated whether to stop what I was doing and say it
i thought about saying it a lot more than I tend to think about saying things to ppl
and now i know

What if...
What if I followed you to the meat dept and reminded you of the smiles you gave me all those years ago in your lectures... instead of saying to myself, "He'll be back again and that time I'll say it and make him laugh"

I fucked up. I failed myself. My one chance that I perpetually tout has been wasted. I fuckin lost a moment now that I desperately and... terminally want back. Can't we just go back so i can say that one thing to you? You would have laughed. You would have smiled. You would have taken some pleasure in the impact you had on me that you never really knew about. And I'm sure when all is said and done, it would have changed nothing, but still...

fuck man...

The world lost when you left. If only there was some way to keep the light shining, but "all good things" I must admit and concede and simultaneously fight and reel against.

We are but dust, and somehow you found the duster. Even more painfully than the loss of you is the raising of the question we often take for granted or at least like to ignore for the granted aspect of it, is life worth living?

What if you were right?

What if all the multitude of the protesting voices couldn't drown out the truth of the answer you found. What if death is just "the way to go" once we fully think it through?...

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April 02, 2008

Much ado about potatoes

Hi Patrick
hope you're not offended by my cooking suggestions. I think that vicky will need all the help she can get.

watch for any signs of green under the potatoe skin. the green forms when the potatoes are exposed to sunlight and the potatoes are not fit to eat. people have become violently ill from eating green potatoes. If there is just a slight tint of green, peel the potatoes and its ok to use the flesh if it is white. keep potataoes in a dark place and this wont be a problem.
if potatoes are sprouted just a bit, cut the sprouts off and use them, but if there are long sprouts the strength of the potatoe has gone to the sprouts. they are safe to eat, but generally they are soft and discarded. Dad would have planted any potatoes that sprout. today they usually treat potatoes so they don't sprout so easily.

to boil potatoes, cut them into quarters, usually with their skins on, unless they are old potatoes that you want to peel. Cover them in cold water and bring to a boil and cook until soft. they boil over easily, so put them in a pan that allows for expansion. They are started in cold water because they are a thick veggie and it allows a more even cooking. If you are in a hurry, and want to cover them with boiling water, cut the pieces small.

after cooking, remove the potato skins unless they are new potatoes. Serve hot if you want. Most of the vitamins are under the surface of the skin, so if you peel potatoes, do so thinly.

For potato salad - cool the potatoes and chop and combine with one or two boiled eggs. Add some Miracle whip salad dressing and you have it.
to make it more interesting, add green onions, cukes, parsley or dill. to the salad dressing you can combine some low fat sour cream to reduce the calories. add some dried herbs.

hash browns - chop the cooled potatoes and put a drizzle of olive oil in a frypan. add the potatoes, pepper and lightly brown. If you have a leftover baked potato you can use it as well.

soup - potatoes can be chopped fine, or grated and added to any soup. potatoes cook quickly and they add substance to a soup or stew.

potatoes do not have much flavor of their own, so they carry the flavors you add. Usually you only add about 3 strong flavors to a dish, so they don't overwhelm your taste buds. Onions often accompany potatoes.



Your hope was futile. I have taken the aforementioned offense. How dare you Auntie! How dare!
I don't think I've taken offense to anything you've done since you and the Gman swiped my knives back in chilliwack. Thank you Auntie. Taking offense was a marvelous idea. It was nice to get out again :D

"Onions often accompany potatoes" LOL!!!
"So if you're thinking about fighting a potato, bring some friends to take on the onions"

the nephew

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February 24, 2008

I love

I love the way she looks at me
and takes such satisfaction
there's something about me i can't see
and will only ever notice
in the reflection of her content
keeping me enthralled
with every notion of her happiness.

What's she looking at?
The lord only knows
but it amuses her so
and I know she loves me.

I never felt this before (all the times i felt this before)
only this once, this stretching out of the here and now
that humbles me
and reduces me to tears

Such love empowering


December 03, 2007


It's been a couple days now since my gf told me she's pregnant. We didn't plan it, and to tell the truth it kind of caught me off guard at the same time as I felt like I was ready for it all along.

The first few breezes speak of the winds of change to come. The hint of hurricanes and tornado's around the corner alluded to in its mildest of whistles. If not for the flutter of countless leaves one might almost doubt its presence, but once it's taken in the animations are really very numerous and vibrant.

Perhaps the task might be to create a life, the only life, that I might look at and say "Ok, maybe i'd have liked to be him or her a little more than I wanted to be myself"

How will I know the first change? How will I know when I actually feel like I have something to live for, because, despite how good at living I've been during the latest years of my life, I'm not particularly attached to life. Despite loving it, I could easily do without it. I'm no longer concerned by death, having long grown bored of worrying incessantly about whether it was soon to approach.

I am free. I am ready. I remain free to make another ready. Maybe my joy becomes more joy. Maybe my life becomes more life.

I speculate how my emotions will change in the months to come. With every passing day becoming passing months becoming growing certainty... Right now it's still easy to sport both casual disbelief and acceptance. Which one could/will diminish first?


November 01, 2007


What to think when life suddenly is awash in random external moments that seem prompted by your own personal situation...

What to think when coincidence is unprovable...

Electron Blue by REM

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October 08, 2007

small world

Dad: when your mom and i got married..
Me: you knew my mom?
Dad: yes, very well...

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September 29, 2007

She'll never forget

that on our first date I stole a shopping cart from homeless people.

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